Archive for August, 2010


inside and outside

On the outside.
Why do we care so much how we seem on the inside?
We live beyond our means, we dream beyond our dreams to look Normal. What is normal anyway?
Who made the definition of normal?
Does it mean being without feeling, living without passion, singing without soul, praying without hope?
What is normal, really?
Are we to abide by societies’ rules so that we are accepted?
Who creates society?
Do we, being social animals, require ourselves to be inherently social?
And if somebody isn’t, does that make him an outcast?
Who are we to decide who is an outcast when we are always on the verge of being one?
Are we bound to be the very element that society despises yet struggle to conceal it because of our survival instincts?
And, Survival of the fittest is still the law that rules humanity, be it the tribal forests, concrete jungles or in the comfort of each home.
We are happy securing the trust of majority, but what is majority when minorities are down-trodden and neglected?
On the inside.
Are we only as shallow as we seem on the outside?
Do we stress so much on the outside that we forget what we are on the inside?
We contort and conform to fit society’s description of an ideal person, yet we make no effort to fit it’s deeper meaning of an individual.
Is greed for personal gain the only objective we aim for?
In a state claiming 100% 80% Christianity, is this the example we are willing to set?
We spend so much money and resources on sending missionaries outside the state, but are we spending enough on the spiritual health of our own?
Spirituality. Do we stress a little too much on it while neglecting morality and humility?
We mix politics with religion, yet we look down upon the RSS, Shiv Sena, etc.. Do we think we are better off than them?
When we can’t control and understand the feelings of our youth, how are we to secure our future as a race?
Are we so self-righteous to the point that anyone we deem lesser requires spiritual cleansing?
Are we protestants to the Roman Catholic Church, or have we started forming our Churches more orthodox than what Martin Luther.Jr had stood and died for to abolish?
Why are petty addictions more evil than not having self-control?
Are small individual and personal sacrifices lesser in magnitude than attending regular services?
Isn’t the whole idea of “giving” be out of compassion rather than compulsion?
Etc etc…

Get the smoke out

Last Sunday night, as I laid down for the night, I started thinking about stuff to try and get me to sleep, but all I could think of was about cigarettes and how much they have affected my life. I woke up Monday morning and read GoldiBlog before work, and that kinda inspired me a lot to try and quit smoking.
I would always say b**s** when a colleague tells me he quit smoking, or is planning to, and it gave me all the more reason to pull his leg. It had always been a joke to me when I hear stuff like that in the office or over the phone. And maybe it was partly because of such attitude they received from people like me that they would always start again. I’m not looking for support, but I’m not looking for temptations either.
Quitting smoking is something that I’ve always wanted to do, but I’ve always put it off for later, maybe for when I get older. Since I’ve become a regular smoker, I’ve never once tried to quit it, simply because I never wanted to. I convinced myself that I don’t smoke as BAD as other people I know, cos’ I was only smoking a pack of 10 a day, while people smoked a pack of 20 in less. It was feeble reassurance, but it did it’s job.
But heavy smoker or not, it slowly affected my health in ways described in detail by Goldbum himself, so I will not go there. But where I WILL go, is an experiment on me. So here it is:
To quit smoking, or reduce the frequency drastically to a point where I am no longer considered a smoker by my closest friends. (They are quite the critics in such matters!)
1 smoker desperate/bored/<describe yourself in one word> enough to make a lifestyle change.
1 Cigarette for each day
Time and Perseverance
Determination and willingness
<More to be added as and when required by the smoker>
– If I am allowed to have just and only 1 cigarette a day, and I can choose the time, it will eventually be something I look forward to everyday. I will savor that one cigarette, and realise that if I cheat and have another before the day is over, it will never taste as good as that. Smoking a cig and not enjoying it has been what I have been doing all this time and this is to change that.
– As days passes, the urge to smoke would be more difficult to resist. Thats when I will need large amounts of Determination and willingness, without which I will not pass beyond the phase. At this point, I guess the only thing that would keep me going would be the pure ecstasy in that puff from my daily dose of nicotine.
– The next part of the theory is a little vague, for it is difficult to determine as to how long it would take me to get used to the routine. But once accomplished, it would enable me to stretch it to once in 2 days and so on.
– I know this theory may suck, but it’s the best one I’ve got at the moment. I desperately need to setup some ground rules.
– This is my first attempt. So I know I will either go all the way, or reach beyond the half-point only to crash and burn in Mono-oxidic pleasure.
– The second attempt will definitely not follow soon.
– Its definitely easier said that done, but it’s possible, at least I’ve got to believe that.
– I had one smoke today in the evening, and it felt like the first tryst, the tingling, etc. but now as I type this, I have a feeling that I’m not doing something which I usually do, I mean, it made me understand that it had (Past tense.. tralala) become such a habit I sometimes unconciously lit one and finished it even before I realised I’d done it.
– So technically I may not be quitting smoking, but this will be my way of dealing with it. I’m not really worried about withdrawal symptoms, as I will at least have one smoke a day, and with India’s pollution levels, that’s probably less harmful than being a Traffic cop for a day.
– Finish the smoke at one go, not saving it for 2,3,4,5 or 6 gos go’s goes instances of smoking. (Never met another who went more than that!)
– One day at a time. If one day is too long, go with Morning, Noon and Night, or Hour by Hour, or Minute by Minute. Last for one timeframe, then last the next one, then the next.
– Judge and rate my urges based on the scenario.
Need-a-smoke-while-going-to-the-loo-urge : Low
Had-a-fight-with-my-boss-and-now-need-a-smoke-urge : Medium
Just-had-pork-for-dinner-and-need-a-smoke-urge : High
Cute-girl-in-smoking-zone-asking-for-a-light-and-now-need-to-show-her-I-smoke-too-urge : Way-up-there Critical!!
– Save the smoke for the evening, and if I am able to save till bedtime, savor one right before hitting the sack for a sweet dream.
– I know it supercalifragilisticexpialidociously early to make observations, but unless I type something I’m afraid I might light one up. (I haven’t thrown away my ashtrays and lighters as most “Quit smoking” guides suggested be done first. Why?? It’s just too early I guess.)
– So the whole day, I didn’t really feel the urge, cos’ I know I smoked enough over the weekend to bring me a few hours closer to death.
– Its funny when you tell people, mostly your smoking partners, that you’ve quit or trying to quit. The first emotion they display is of utter disbelief, then denial, then doubt, then a short hint of pity followed immediately by words of encouragement and support for your cause. Its true. Try it out.
– Its about exactly 24 hrs since I had my last smoke, after which I decided I will have one smoke a day, after which I had a smoke, so, to be precise, its probably 9 hours since I had my last smoke and I’m a mess.
– But, tomorrow will bring a duller day, my only saving grace being that one cigarette I have always Loved to Hate.
– I feel like I am being saved by the Cigarette, before it will kill me… more observations to follow hopefully…



Uptil now..

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