Land of Dreams

In the land of dreams I awoke, where impossible things are an impossibility.

With skies the color of my inner peace, and stars shining bright in broad daylight,

It was a perfect day indeed, but then again, it always is.

White clouds float silently above, as the golden sun shines the light of love all around.

I walked the streets of happiness and glee, where sadness did not have a name,

Where hatred was an ancient beast, now extinct, and envy was no more.

Where logic and rationality both contend for existence, but dissolve into nothingness.

A place where hope and faith were freed from their social shackles, and roamed unbounded,

All my twisted and wildest fantasies come to life, my own little private utopia.

I meet the people I loved but lost, and the ones I missed the most

They beckon me to them, and I embrace them with tears of joy

I rest my head upon their lap .. as I slowly slumber back to reality.

Silence

Can you hear the silence? Isn’t it deafening?

Does it hurt your eardrums?

Do you need to press your palm against your ears to block out the silence?

Can you hear the silence of the one who turns his back to avoid what one does not wish to see, yet knows it exists?

Listen to the silence of corruption slowly creeping into the deepest factions of our Society,

The silence of witnesses to a crime, quietly turning around and walking the other way,

The silence of the destitute and beggars, waiting for the morrow with no hope,

The silent cries of orphans and the unwanted, wishing for love while slowing harbouring hatred.

The men of God, silently observing as the moral fiber of a society they tend to falls apart,

The men in power, silently hiding their ill-gotten gains while proclaiming a few good deeds for all to hear,

The men in lust, leaving their families in the silence of the night to be with another yet feel no remorse,

The men defeated, silently letting their life slip away refusing to fight one last time.

Pause for a moment and drown out the city sounds,

Listen carefully and you will hear not just these but more,

If you listen closely with your heart, not just your ears

You will hear the sounds that’s never heard, the silence of life.

Denial

Living in Denial

I have been quiet for some months now, not because I chose to, but more because I could not finish my posts. I have a couple lined up, but each without its conclusion, and what’s a post without a conclusion.
A few posts I read from fellow bloggers over the past few weeks kinda compelled me to this moment.
I am living in denial:
- denying the fact that I can make as much a difference in my life as I can in others’
- denying the fact that however childish and immature I want to act out, my age don’t agree no more
- denying the fact that as independent as I feel living out for 15 odd years, my folks are starting to feel homesick and need me more than I need them
- denying the fact that I don’t have much time as I think I do
- denying the fact that no matter how hard I try, the things I found enjoyable a few years back don’t appeal to me anymore
- denying the fact that the bonds formed out of friendships are thicker than those of relationships
- denying the fact that the songs I loved back then are no more music to my ears
- denying the fact that I love a quiet and me-time weekend rather than a huge and crowded party
- denying the fact that I feel the urge to study for a higher degree rather than getting a certification to beautify my resume
- denying that I can do better than what I am aiming for right now

But then again, aren’t we all living in denial?
- Are we denying the fact that we have issues in our own society that needs addressing yet no one dares speak for fear of ridicule?
- Are we denying that our culture is dying because of “westernization” or lately “Korean-ization” which is basically a subset of the afore mentioned westernization?
- Are we denying that our youths are deprived of opportunites because of the closed minded-ness and orthodox values we preach?
- Are we denying the fact that we emphasize too much on outer-humility rather than inner-selflessness?
- Are we denying our youths the confidence they need to conquer the world when all we provide them is fear of the unknown?
- Are we denying the fact that we simply do not have enough experience to make assumptions about what goes on in the rest of, forget the country, but the north-east to guide the young?
- Do we think we are the ultimate judge of all things we think we know about? What about “To err is Human..”?
- Are we denying the fact that no matter how high the pedestal is we perch upon, we have child-rapists, con-artists, corrupt officials, prostitutes, drug dealers and users, murderers and thieves in our midst? Not to mention unwanted children and orphans?
- And having a population barely the strength of a mid-size Indian city, why do we need so many NGOs? Is our government not doing a good enough job, or that, shamelessly, it cannot function without them anymore?
- Are we denying the corruption of our officials, nay, hiding them as if they were our own? Or is corruption a part of life in the 90% Christian we claim our state to be?

I guess the older one gets, life becomes more and more depressing because of the things one could’ve changed but didn’t. The good part is that, no matter what one says, there is no place like home. But then, I only spend time back home once a year, during the Xmas holidays. So all I saw were happy places and faces, but then there were sad ones too. The faces of those who had to patrol the streets every night to keep a check on public disturbances. Respect! Had it not been for the cops who tirelessly roamed the streets, I would’ve had more than 3 close shaves during the holiday season. Yep! That Red Santro who almost crashed into us on 31st night between Haflong and Durtlang, even though I was driving to the extreme left, sober up, buddy! Learn to drive when you’re drunk, you local dumbass!

Happy Belated New Year Everyone!

inside and outside

On the outside.

Why do we care so much how we seem on the inside?

We live beyond our means, we dream beyond our dreams to look Normal. What is normal anyway?

Who made the definition of normal?

Does it mean being without feeling, living without passion, singing without soul, praying without hope?

What is normal, really?

Are we to abide by societies’ rules so that we are accepted?

Who creates society?

Do we, being social animals, require ourselves to be inherently social?

And if somebody isn’t, does that make him an outcast?

Who are we to decide who is an outcast when we are always on the verge of being one?

Are we bound to be the very element that society despises yet struggle to conceal it because of our survival instincts?

And, Survival of the fittest is still the law that rules humanity, be it the tribal forests, concrete jungles or in the comfort of each home.

We are happy securing the trust of majority, but what is majority when minorities are down-trodden and neglected?

On the inside.

Are we only as shallow as we seem on the outside?

Do we stress so much on the outside that we forget what we are on the inside?

We contort and conform to fit society’s description of an ideal person, yet we make no effort to fit it’s deeper meaning of an individual.

Is greed for personal gain the only objective we aim for?

In a state claiming 100% 80% Christianity, is this the example we are willing to set?

We spend so much money and resources on sending missionaries outside the state, but are we spending enough on the spiritual health of our own?

Spirituality. Do we stress a little too much on it while neglecting morality and humility?

We mix politics with religion, yet we look down upon the RSS, Shiv Sena, etc.. Do we think we are better off than them?

When we can’t control and understand the feelings of our youth, how are we to secure our future as a race?

Are we so self-righteous to the point that anyone we deem lesser requires spiritual cleansing?

Are we protestants to the Roman Catholic Church, or have we started forming our Churches more orthodox than what Martin Luther.Jr had stood and died for to abolish?

Why are petty addictions more evil than not having self-control?

Are small individual and personal sacrifices lesser in magnitude than attending regular services?

Isn’t the whole idea of “giving” be out of compassion rather than compulsion?

Etc etc…

Get the smoke out

Last Sunday night, as I laid down for the night, I started thinking about stuff to try and get me to sleep, but all I could think of was about cigarettes and how much they have affected my life. I woke up Monday morning and read GoldiBlog before work, and that kinda inspired me a lot to try and quit smoking.

I would always say b**s** when a colleague tells me he quit smoking, or is planning to, and it gave me all the more reason to pull his leg. It had always been a joke to me when I hear stuff like that in the office or over the phone. And maybe it was partly because of such attitude they received from people like me that they would always start again. I’m not looking for support, but I’m not looking for temptations either.

Quitting smoking is something that I’ve always wanted to do, but I’ve always put it off for later, maybe for when I get older. Since I’ve become a regular smoker, I’ve never once tried to quit it, simply because I never wanted to. I convinced myself that I don’t smoke as BAD as other people I know, cos’ I was only smoking a pack of 10 a day, while people smoked a pack of 20 in less. It was feeble reassurance, but it did it’s job.

But heavy smoker or not, it slowly affected my health in ways described in detail by Goldbum himself, so I will not go there. But where I WILL go, is an experiment on me. So here it is:

AIM:

To quit smoking, or reduce the frequency drastically to a point where I am no longer considered a smoker by my closest friends. (They are quite the critics in such matters!)

MATERIALS REQUIRED:

1 smoker desperate/bored/<describe yourself in one word> enough to make a lifestyle change.

1 Cigarette for each day

Time and Perseverance

Determination and willingness

<More to be added as and when required by the smoker>

THEORY:

- If I am allowed to have just and only 1 cigarette a day, and I can choose the time, it will eventually be something I look forward to everyday. I will savor that one cigarette, and realise that if I cheat and have another before the day is over, it will never taste as good as that. Smoking a cig and not enjoying it has been what I have been doing all this time and this is to change that.

- As days passes, the urge to smoke would be more difficult to resist. Thats when I will need large amounts of Determination and willingness, without which I will not pass beyond the phase. At this point, I guess the only thing that would keep me going would be the pure ecstasy in that puff from my daily dose of nicotine.

- The next part of the theory is a little vague, for it is difficult to determine as to how long it would take me to get used to the routine. But once accomplished, it would enable me to stretch it to once in 2 days and so on.

- I know this theory may suck, but it’s the best one I’ve got at the moment. I desperately need to setup some ground rules.

OBSTACLES:

- This is my first attempt. So I know I will either go all the way, or reach beyond the half-point only to crash and burn in Mono-oxidic pleasure.

- The second attempt will definitely not follow soon.

- Its definitely easier said that done, but it’s possible, at least I’ve got to believe that.

- I had one smoke today in the evening, and it felt like the first tryst, the tingling, etc. but now as I type this, I have a feeling that I’m not doing something which I usually do, I mean, it made me understand that it had (Past tense.. tralala) become such a habit I sometimes unconciously lit one and finished it even before I realised I’d done it.

- So technically I may not be quitting smoking, but this will be my way of dealing with it. I’m not really worried about withdrawal symptoms, as I will at least have one smoke a day, and with India’s pollution levels, that’s probably less harmful than being a Traffic cop for a day.

PERSONAL GUIDELINES:

- Finish the smoke at one go, not saving it for 2,3,4,5 or 6 gos go’s goes instances of smoking. (Never met another who went more than that!)

- One day at a time. If one day is too long, go with Morning, Noon and Night, or Hour by Hour, or Minute by Minute. Last for one timeframe, then last the next one, then the next.

- Judge and rate my urges based on the scenario.

Need-a-smoke-while-going-to-the-loo-urge : Low

Had-a-fight-with-my-boss-and-now-need-a-smoke-urge : Medium

Just-had-pork-for-dinner-and-need-a-smoke-urge : High

Cute-girl-in-smoking-zone-asking-for-a-light-and-now-need-to-show-her-I-smoke-too-urge : Way-up-there Critical!!

- Save the smoke for the evening, and if I am able to save till bedtime, savor one right before hitting the sack for a sweet dream.

OBSERVATIONS (So far):

- I know it supercalifragilisticexpialidociously early to make observations, but unless I type something I’m afraid I might light one up. (I haven’t thrown away my ashtrays and lighters as most “Quit smoking” guides suggested be done first. Why?? It’s just too early I guess.)

- So the whole day, I didn’t really feel the urge, cos’ I know I smoked enough over the weekend to bring me a few hours closer to death.

- Its funny when you tell people, mostly your smoking partners, that you’ve quit or trying to quit. The first emotion they display is of utter disbelief, then denial, then doubt, then a short hint of pity followed immediately by words of encouragement and support for your cause. Its true. Try it out.

- Its about exactly 24 hrs since I had my last smoke, after which I decided I will have one smoke a day, after which I had a smoke, so, to be precise, its probably 9 hours since I had my last smoke and I’m a mess.

- But, tomorrow will bring a duller day, my only saving grace being that one cigarette I have always Loved to Hate.

- I feel like I am being saved by the Cigarette, before it will kill me… more observations to follow hopefully…